Azhar's Etymology (Part 2)
Three stories about the origin of words
The history of language is fascinating. Today, instead of monologue jokes, I’ve decided to send you three stories about the history of words that we all know. The first version of this series got a lot of love from you and I’m so excited to share more. Maybe I should turn this into a book? Let me know what you think!
Upcoming shows: Before the stories, if you are wondering when you can see me on stage next:
This Thursday 8/15 at Moth’s GrandSLAM (sold out)
Friday 8/30 at Story Collider’s “Inside Out” Show (tickets)
Okay, here we go - Azhar’s Etymology!
Love in the Woods
Barb and Mike found love in Aisle G (Camping Gear) at their local REI store. She loved to snuggle in their sleeping bags and he loved obsessing needlessly over the safety hazards of the firepit. The couple spent three out of their four weekends in a month camping in pure bliss. They befriended other couples who would accompany them on their weekly outings.
But destiny has a penchant for human tears and their love story started flailing like the shirts hanging on a clothesline during a storm. Barb endured the coldness of an empty sleeping bag and the only fire Mike could feel was from the pit. Their bond crumbled slowly and then suddenly like a gooey cookie dunked in milk. On a particularly bad night of camping when their fight reached a breaking point, Mike decided to end their relationship and walked out of their tent swearing never to return.
He was taken in by a friend on the other side of the campsite and for the rest of the weekend, Mike avoided their former residence. Barb waited for an apology - for Mike to ask her to get back together but it never happened. But that doesn’t mean they never got close. Neighbors reported that Mike would walk across the campsite all the way back to Barb’s tent then mutter something to himself and turn back around. Every hour, his resolve would break and be rebuilt by his murmurings as soon as he got close to Barb’s tent.
Eventually someone asked him what he was up to. Mike told them that he desperately wanted to reunite with Barb. But getting close to the tent reminded him of their fight and that she was now his ex. Mike knew that his limit was his ex’s tent - something he would never cross again. That ex’s tent and its limit is what we now know as extent.
Prankster
The Wikipedia page for Hallmark has a glaring omission of the most influential holiday inventor in the history of the fake felicitations formula company. His name is Wayne Wallaby and he had a wonky brain. Wayne was a gifted prankster with awful luck. When he bunked school, he’d run into his mom outside the movie theater. When he pulled the fire alarm, he got rewarded for his quick reflexes because there really was a fire on the other side of the building. And when he came up with his best invention, luck managed to bungle that for him too.
Wayne studied English in college and worked as a junior copywriter at Hallmark in 1910. It was his job to come up with flowery language for cards sold for sentimental value to heartless customers who were too lazy to verbalize their feelings. Day after day, Wayne pumped out words into the void not knowing whether he was really making an impact in the world. But one day, the CEO of Hallmark had a wonky idea of her own - she gathered the entire company and demanded ONE new holiday idea from each of them.
Wayne’s heart pumped faster than the oil rigs in Baghdad after George Bush “freed” Iraq. He went home that night and brainstormed his best ideas:
“Menopeonies for your favorite woman’s midlife crisis”
“Get well soon card for after the hospital sends the bill”
“Block party invitation to celebrate that annoying neighbor moving out”
None of them felt right and Wayne fell asleep at his desk. At 4:20am, he dreamt of the best holiday idea: “one day, every year, that is designated for tricks with no consequences.” This was how he could leave a mark on the world - by inspiring the prankster within everyone.
When he pitched his idea, his CEO was intrigued and approved it for launch. The marketing department conceptualized the idea as a month of pranks called the “Tricks of May”. They picked a town in rural America and in the last week of April, bombarded it with advertising to encourage everyone to prank others in May. By June, everyone wanted Wayne to be arrested. “Tricks of May” resulted in stolen tires, extramarital affairs, bank heists and other debauchery that Hallmark couldn’t have imagined.
Wayne’s awful luck torpedoed his idea to do tricks in May but it was also a lesson that allowed April Fool’s and Halloween’s Trick or Treat to restrict their pranks to just one day of the month. In that way, May Tricks was the framework that other holidays could follow to be successful. It is now what we call a “matrix.”
Town Tale
Mr. Russell Thornbolt put his hometown of Lost Creek Valley, Montana on the map when he installed a brand new dam and a brand new bank to provide routing services to the city. Before this upgrade, people had to travel to the town across the river to trade and even find work. But now, the dam employed people and gave them a place to deposit their money. Eventually, the whole town was a customer of the bank and everyone had a security deposit box to store their jewels, documents, and precious belongings.
The change didn’t go unnoticed by the town next door. Mayor Cummings was up for reelection and if Lost Creek didn’t become dependent on his town again, he would be out of a job. So, on a dark night when Lost Creek slept peacefully under the assurance of a sunny morning and safety, Mayor Cummings sneaked into the dam’s security room and released the floodgates.
Mayhem ensued. Water flocked every inch of Lost Creek. Cummings ran home to return to his alibi unaware of the damage his selfishness caused. By the morning Mr. Thornbolt was informed of the damage. Fortunately, no lives were lost and the dam was repaired but the bank was flooded and the contents of every deposit box were lost forever. Decades of history of his hometown were washed away in an instant like raindrops moved by a windshield wiper.
Police interviewed witnesses and suddenly a grief stricken woman walked into the office claiming to be Mayor Cumming’s wife. When she told the cops of what she knew, a mob descended on the Mayor’s office wanting for his head. Mr. Thornbolt ran to the town next door to stop one disaster from manifesting another one.
Mayor Cummings was arrested and sent to trial but the town still seethed from their wounds. On the night of the reopening of Mr. Thornbolt’s business, he surprised the town of Lost Creek by inviting the residents of the town next door to a massive dinner. In his speech to the crowd, he shared how a flooded bank reminded him of the need to build unity between the two towns. This dinner was the beginning of a united community that started with a wet bank. Mr. Thornbolt called the dinner a Bank Wet which is what we know today as a banquet.
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Hi - if you enjoyed reading this far, maybe help me get the word out for this newsletter? I don’t understand how to do this “marketing” thing very well and would love some help from you. 🙏🏾
See you next week!